Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've last posted something. I could really use some encouragement, I…

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've last posted something. I could really use some encouragement, I feel like I'm really struggling with the recovery at the moment and I don't know what else to do or who else to speak to. It's going to be 1 year since the second surgery this month, and 1 year and 1 year and a half since the first one. I finally began to feel better, do more, after the stress response and having to quit my last job it took almost 6 months to build myself up again. Pushing myself with physio, tracking my steps and increase my walking, building strength back into my l legs because the muscle atrophy from being immobile for so long had really done a significant number on me. I finally made it to averaging 5000-5500 steps a day, where my foot was able to tolerate the load, I wasn't waking up the next day in so much pain, I wasn't limping, I felt more confident walking. Sure, it still wasn't easy, I'd still start feeling discomfort in my feet, slight pain, but I was able to achieve things and simple walking distances that I always used to love to do. I had worked so hard, to get to a point where I could at least tolerate my new job, which is what I wasn't able to do the first time I started working after my second surgery, which resulted in my bones literally about the crack under the pressure (even though it was just going there twice a week). My first day, I only walked 4000 steps, I spent most of it sat down, the bus drops me off and picks me up exactly where I need to go... despite all this, my foot swells up, and hurts, a lot... but not my regular discomfort pain... bone pain... the pain I know all to well means nothing but bad things are happening in my foot. I realised sitting and not moving all day contributed to the swelling as my circulatory system seems to be greatly impacted from the surgeries, so the next day I brought a stool to elevate, some flip flops, iced my foot throughout the day, brought a resistance band to do ankle pumps and even took a short 150-200 step walking break every 30-45 mins. Each day, my foot woke up so sore, bad sore, even though I was still in my acceptable 4000-5000 step limit range, and what I was doing last week easily, has now become more painful and more difficult. Those walks I was doing, my foot hurts much early on, by the time I get home, I'm in so much pain and I don't even want to do anything. It's exhausting, it's been so long, I'm 26 years old and I'm just trying to get on with my life, every day I long to do the things I loved to once do, every day I see the mountains I wish I could climb, spending hours exploring museums, the amount of times I've had to decline social events, or when I rarely do attend, stressing out about my foot and being in so much pain after. One thing that is still so difficult to accept, is that this shouldn't of happened to me, this happened because a surgeon was arrogant and refused to listen to me, who neglected their professional medical duties and committed malpractice against me. And I do not use that word lightly, I've had multiple medical professionals express strongly that this shouldn't have happened, that this was negligence and this surgeon is know for poor practices. My second toe hurts a lot, it had nothing to do with the initial procedure, but now, for the rest of my life it will be altered and has suffered physical damage that can never be reversed. To have to sit with the fact that I had asked the doctor what procedure she was going to do, where she outright declined to answer, not having any idea there was a fibrewire inside my foot, sawing away at my second metatarsal... for months, seeing the bunion revert back to it's original angle, remember expressing over... and OVER how it was coming back, how there was something wrong, and her looking me into my eyes.. coldy and dismissively, saying that she was my doctor, I should listen to her and what she says, and that everything was fine, I should stop worrying so much. It wasn't fine though, and ultimately, I have to continue to live with the consequences... I've also been changed mentally too, this trauma in my life has truly effected my psychological wellbeing, if I talk about my foot to people, sometimes I just start crying, I don't even want to cry, I hate crying but I can't help it, it's so unpleasant, sometimes I even start shaking when I feel so anxious, thinking about my foot. I honestly don't know what else to do at this point, I've tried everything and I am at a loss, I am scheduling an appointment with my podiatrist on Tuesday to try and figure things out. I just really don't want to keep pushing through the pain, which I know I can, because I already did, and end up 2/3 months down the line with a stress response/fracture and have to go back to the boot and crutches again. This job means everything to me, it's at a mental health organisation I was involved with as a teen, the founder is someone I look up to and it's such a wonderful environment, and it's a field I am so incredibly passionate about. It offers me financial stability and freedom and gives me a sense of purpose. I cannot fathom the thought of having to leave, it simply is not possible. I really want to hope and believe things will get better, but, it's hard. I've been through so much already and it doesn't seem like it will get easier anytime soon. I appreciate the space to be able to talk about these things here. Wish me luck and thank you for listening.— feeling sad.